Crapsterpieces/Martial Arts Madness: Double Team (1997)

By Jason Haskins

Cocaine is a helluva drug. No truer words were spoken when it came to Jean-Claude Van Damme's career in the late nineties where the drug was obvious at play with his performances and cinematic choices. He was no longer the promising (and super cool) martial arts superstar who graced us with Bloodsport and Lionheart (among many others), but an individual who was growing older and less of a force to be reckoned with.Double Team is hands down one of the worst movies he ever created in this time period.

Crapsterpieces/Martial Arts Madness: Immortal Combat (1994)

By Paco McCullough

I'm on vacation at the moment, so to make things easier for myself, I decided to combine my two columns for the weekend. The film that is both a crapsterpiece and a martial arts film? 1994's Immortal Combat, starring Rowdy Roddy Piper and the legendary Sonny Chiba. This is the sort of movie I devoted one of these columns to finding, but which one?

Martial Arts Madness: Jackie Chan's Project A (1983)

By Paco McCullough

Jackie Chan's Project A is a fairly typical Chan film from the 80s. It has both his typical broad humor and incredible stunt work. The only thing that separates this from other Chan films of the era is its setting. Unlike most of his films, Project A is set in the early 1900s, during a time of British rule. So how does it compare to his other films?

Martial Arts Madness: Chocolate (2008)

By Paco McCullough

After spending so much time on  Kung Fu and Samurai films, I felt it was time for this column to branch out into one of the hot new areas of martial arts film. After Tony Jaa burst onto the scene some years ago, Muay Thai has become one of the hot new martial arts. I honestly believe that Chocolate is one of the best martial arts films of any style. Without any doubt, it is my favorite Muay Thai flick.

Martial Arts Madness: 5 Element Ninjas (1982)

By Paco McCullough

This past Tuesday, I had the good fortune to view the only known 35mm print of the Shaw Bros. Classic 5 ELEMENT NINJAS. The film begins with a Kung Fu tournament. When one Japanese man is forced to commit seppuku, he sends a note to his companions. Soon ninjas have challenged the school that defeated him. The ninjas use five elements: gold, water, wood, fire, and earth. To properly defeat them, one student must study the ways of the ninja.

Martial Arts Madness: Enter the Dragon (1973)

By Jason Haskins

Bruce Lee was the late great martial arts expert/philosopher who was one of the first Asian American actors to hit it big onscreen and introduced a culture to smarter kung fu flicks. While he only made a handful of pictures in his lifetime, these stand up as some of the best the genre has to offer. Enter the Dragon was the last completed picture he starred in and was released a little bit after his death in 1973 of cerebral edema. While the last movie he worked on was The Game of Death, I find the film (though great) much unfinished and certainly not a high note of this caliber to end his career on.

Martial Arts Madness: Hanzo the Razor: The Snare

By Paco McCullough

Hanzo the Razor: The Snare continues the legacy put forth by it’s preceding film, Sword of Justice, my Martial Arts Madness column from last week. This is both a good and a bad thing. The majority of the strengths I listed before (great setting, fun samurai action, and interesting traps) all return. Unfortunately, so do some major problems. The use of rape as an interrogation method continues in this film, as does the victim’s eventual enjoyment of it. I stated previously what a problem I have with the segments. Fortunately, they are shorter in this film than in Sword of Justice.

Martial Arts Madness: Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice (1972)

By Paco McCullough

I was really excited when Hanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice started. After opening to an epic 70s soundtrack and well built sets of feudal Japan. Things just got better when I recognized the actor who plays Hanzo, Shintaro Katsu, the star of the Zatoichi films and tv show. In this, the first film of a trilogy, Hanzo is a law officer in a small town who stands against corruption. An antihero in the mold of Dirty Harry, he breaks all the rules. To properly investigate the case, he must work with criminals and even commit criminal acts himself. Overall, these elements of the film are incredibly effective and fun. These more conventional samurai elements of the film all make this film worth recommending to fans of the genre.

Martial Arts Madness: The Seven Grandmasters (1978)

By Paco McCullough

Those of us in the Portland area are lucky to have Dan Halsted, curator of the Hollywood Theater’s Kung Fu Cinema. The theater screens rare prints of classic kung fu movies. This weeks film? The only remaining 35mm print of Joseph Kuo’s (The Mystery of Chessboxing) The Seven Grandmasters. The print was surprisingly well maintained, considering how old it was. Halsted actually picked it up from a man who had dug it out of a dumpster.

Martial Arts Madness: House of Traps (1982)

By Tanner McCullough


A note before I begin, dear readers. I’ve been sick as a dog for two days now and a little off due to the cold medicine. Hopefully this will not have a negative effect on my writings/editing.
I happy to introduce our new column: Martial Arts Madness. Each Saturday our resident martial arts expert (yours truly) will discuss a martial arts flick. These will cover the entire spectrum of Martial Arts cinema, from the beginnings to the modern era. If there are any movies that you are curious about seeing reviewed, just let me know.

Crapsterpieces: Samurai Cop (1989)

By Tanner McCullough

Samurai Cop is a bad movie. Actually, Samurai Cop is a really bad movie. Scratch that, Samurai Cop is easily the worst movie I have ever seen. It’s like a bunch of 8th graders made up the crew and asked their parents for a few bucks to make it. The script is completely atrocious, clips are reused in such a way that they call attention to themselves, the special effects are paintballs and fireworks, etc. Perhaps most damning is the performances, which are uniformly terrible. Going back to the 8th grade theory, it’s like the kids grabbed the first people they found off the street- several members of the Japanese Katana Gang are white, and not a single member of the cast can act their way out of a plastic bag. If this movie was made by an 8th grader, it would also explain the clumsy sexy scenes, with extreme female nudity and men in speedos grinding up and down on each other for far longer than the scene requires. It is shot like someone whose only experience with sexuality came from the bootleg pornos they found in their dad’s closet. The music is laughably 80s, and could have been made by the teenagers down the street.
I absolutely loved this movie. For years I have been searching for the worst movie ever made, only to be distracted by false prophets such as The Room and Birdemic. There has never been a movie that made me laugh more than this steamy piece of shit. Everyone in the audience at the screening I went to had a great time, and I’m sure an element of the fun came from yelling at the screen together. Unfortunately, there’s only so long the worst movie ever can be entertaining, then it’s just kind of a boring movie. But by the time the final shootout rolls around, it has somehow found a way to be bad all over again. There’s no way you should miss this one if and when it comes to your town.
See, Samurai Cop is so bad that it has never been released on DVD. Nobody knows where the director went (my theory- he wanted to forget about it once he got into high school) and I’m not sure who owns the rights to this film. This had led to screenings of VHS copies, as film prints are incredibly rare also. Because of all this, the only places to see the film are your local theaters. So if you see it listed, you owe it to yourself to go. I can promise you that there is no way you’ll ever see a movie this bad again.

Critical Score: An unprecedented 0 out of 5

Crapsterpiece Score: 4.5 out of 5

© Tanner McCullough, 2011

Videogame Bits: Mortal Kombat (1995)

By Paco McCullough

Videogame bits is a new feature where we discuss videogame movies. Over the next several months I will be reviewing one a week.
This week in videogame bits, I watched Paul Anderson’s (The Resident Evil one, not the Boogie Nights one) Mortal Kombat. I had fond memories of this movie, as I’m sure most boys from the 90s did. It had been years since I had seen it, and I found myself actually excited to see this film. Boy was I disappointed.
    Mortal Kombat follows three humans as the fight in a tournament to save the earth from the evil Outworlders. If ten tournaments are lost, then the Outworlders will conquer earth and enslave all its inhabitants. At the start of the film, nine have already been lost, so a lot is riding on our heros. Somehow the writers managed to make heros that were not only cliched and poorly written, but also unlikable on their own merits. Even though I felt like I hardly knew Johnny Cage (Linden Ashbey, who has had no other major roles to speak of), I still found him incredibly unlikable. If you don’t care about the characters, then there’s no thrill when they’re put at risk.
    The story takes up far too much time, which would be a problem even if it was good. Mortal Kombat is based off of a videogame where all the characters do is fight, yet only a small percentage of this movie is actually fights. Much more of this movie is talking about fights and the characters fears. I cannot emphasize enough how poorly written these scenes are.
    As for the fights themselves, they are competently done. None of these actors are comparable to Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Sonny Chiba, or any other professional martial artists. Despite this, the fights are decently choreographed, although there is an absurd level of backflips that take place. Nearly all the action is bloodless, which as a fan of the games, I feel is counterproductive. Considering how violent the videogame Mortal Kombat was, I am confused as to why they chose to make a tame PG-13 flick. The only thing the two properties seem to have in common is their overall level of campiness.
    There are certain enjoyable things about this film. Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa seems to be the only one in on the joke, chewing the scenery as the evil sorcerer Shang Tsung. The cheesy techno score is laughable in all the right ways. Mostly though, this movie is not worth your time or energy. If you are interested in a Mortal Kombat viewing experience, check out the highly superior web series.
2.5 out of 5
© Tanner McCullough, 2011