By Paco McCullough
A couple of years ago, I saw the legendary B-movie star Bruce Campbell talk about making movies. Among other things, he said that the more fun the cast a crew had, the worse the film is. If the cast and crew were miserable, they were probably making something worth watching. Everyone involved with Bloodrayne must have been having a blast, because it is easily one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a while. However, when actually watching the film, not even the actors look like they’re having fun.
What plot there is involves a half-human/half vampire, Rayne (Kristanna Loken, the bad terminator from Terminator), attempting to kill her father (Ben Kingsley!), a vampire that raped her mother. She is joined by a trio of vampire hunters (Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and Matt Davis) and they go on an adventure. There are too many nonsensical plot points and inexplicable fights to count. Two of my favorites: A monster whose head uncannily resembled a scrotum and a scene with Meat Loaf as a vampire with a harem of naked women. The script is not only clumsily written, it feels like the writers felt they needed to pad it with these random encounters.
Other problems include laughable choreography and special effects, though the amount of blood used helped me overlook these flaws. In one of the most bizarre choices I have ever seen a director make, after the climax there is a several minute long flashback to what feels like everyone who was killed over the course of the movie. There is no purpose for it, and once it is over the film returns to the plot for a couple more minutes.
Possibly the worst part? I kinda liked it. It was cheesy and bad in the way Syfy Originals are. Would I recommend it? No, but it is the closest thing to a trainwreck I have ever seen a film be. When it comes right down to it, I’d rather watch a complete disaster than an average bad movie (I’m looking at you, Transformers movies).
2 out of 5 stars
© Tanner McCullough, 2011
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