Videogame Bits: Double Dragon (1994)

By Terry Cleveland

Double Dragon starts out with two brothers, Jimmy (Mark Dacascos) and Billy (Scott Wolf) who happen to be martial artists and douche bags. The brothers find themselves stuck in a plot to control New Angeles City, with the help of an ancient medallion split into two pieces (like the wonder twins), perpetrated by a Vanilla Ice look alike with a lot of money (Robert Patrick aka Liquid T-1000 from Terminator 2).


Double Dragon is a big stinky turd of a film. The entire ninety minutes of the film is reminiscent of bad children’s movies from the 90’s and slapstick action is as funny as it is believable (which is to say not very). The film is so bad that it doesn’t even earn the chance to be good. Bad acting, worse writing, and an atrocious plot drag this film to the absolute darkest hell of bad-moviedom.

The plot, which takes place in a post apocalyptic Los Angeles called New Angeles, is slow and incredibly boring. All of the characters are so poorly written that I found myself wishing that they would all be blown up in one of the film’s frequent unrealistic explosions such as when a speed boat hits a highway sign and immediately turns into an enormous fireball.

The two brothers are also so one dimensional and uninteresting that I wished that the one likable character, Bo Abobo, who looks like a cross between a steroid enhanced football player and a giant nut sack, would take over and perhaps make the film more compelling. Sadly, Bo Abobo is strapped to a chair and force fed spinach by a bleach blond Alyssa Milano, which is a fairly accurate description of what it feels like to watch this movie (minus Alyssa Milano).

In the end I finished the film thinking that I could have spent my time better, and by better I mean anything. Even vomiting is better than this movie. Bottom line: don’t watch it for any reason and if you do don’t tell anyone that you did.


1 out of 5

© Terry Cleveland, 2011