By Jason Haskins
Cocaine is a helluva drug. No truer words were spoken when it came to Jean-Claude Van Damme's career in the late nineties where the drug was obvious at play with his performances and cinematic choices. He was no longer the promising (and super cool) martial arts superstar who graced us with Bloodsport and Lionheart (among many others), but an individual who was growing older and less of a force to be reckoned with.Double Team is hands down one of the worst movies he ever created in this time period.
1997's Double Team stars JCVD as a counter-terrorist who messes up big time when it comes to taking out one of the biggest threats to national security, Stavros (Mickey Rourke). Now he's displaced as MIA with his pregnant wife in serious danger due to Stavros wanting revenge for his own murdered son. JCVD must team up with a weapons dealer and fast-talker Yaz (Dennis Rodman) to find Stavros and finish what was supposed to have been done before. Emotions are high, battles are long, and Rodman's hair is like stiff vomit--while this movie is no doubt forgettable, it's memorable for just how bad it is.
Two words: Dennis Rodman. He was a so-so basketball player (in my opinion) and a crazy sort of pop culture figure in the 90s with the zaniest and most reckless attitude on and off the ball court. For some reason the producers figured that teaming up a Belgian action star with a blustery and aging basketball player would be a terrific choice--to put forth a JCVD buddy/team-up movie. Now, under different circumstances this could've worked out pretty well. JCVD could've been attached to a vehicle similar to Rush Hour, but instead we're stuck with Double Team, which, along with the name, is awful.
The main problem is Dennis Rodman, I won't lie. Granted, the movie would've sucked without him as well, but he makes the movie positively painful to watch as he spews line after line of basketball puns to sort of wink at the viewer that [dot dot dot] he's a professional basketball player. I could puke just writing about it. Along with that theme are some of the most ridiculous parts in movie making including a basketball parachute (don't even ask at the implausibility and shock value of it) and stupid outfits that Rodman's character wears (which I'm positive are from the dude's closet). Rodman is so physically awkward that him and JCVD have zero chemistry together and I always find that Rodman overcompensates his character as if his character is THE coolest dude under the sun (which, let's face it, he's not).
Even Jean-Claude Van Damme sucks. I remember when I was a kid I really dug this movie, but I almost had to force myself to continue watching. He looks almost vacant throughout the whole movie as he sleepwalks through all of the scenes and fails to impress on the action-oriented aspect of Double Team. He doesn't seem to be there and the only real emotion he shows are during some training scenes that forced me to laugh out loud hysterically as he lifted up a tub full of water in a suggestive fashion...suggesting that he was raping the bathtub, of course. I'm always a fan of Van Damme's even in some really crappy movies, but this one takes the cake as one of his worst performances and one that isn't really him due to the drugs coursing through his veins a majority of the time.
It should come as no surprise that the movie is an epic failure given the title, one of the co-stars, and the ridiculously derivative plot. What if I also told you that Mickey Rourke as the bad guy sucked here as well? That shouldn't be a surprise to you if you've followed his career pre-comeback Wrestler era. He looks gross here and tries way too hard to be a badas$. Along with the stupid characters is an even worse script with line after line of bland dialogue, a plot that is boring, and a pace that slows things down to an uninteresting crawl.
I'm all for stupid movies as I find that, more often than not, they still offer a form of cheap entertainment on those boring nights at home. Double Team is the worst of the bunch as it offers a stupid movie that isn't even so stupid that it's good--it left me miserable and constantly watching the running time to see when it was over. The Rodman is disgusting to look at and I cannot stand his basketball one-liners. Along with that you have so many over-the-top action formulas that you become exhausted at how much crap is thrown at you--the Roman Coliseum exploding? Thank God that the principle characters (and a baby) are behind a Coke vending machine which takes the brunt of the damage. Holy crap is this movie bad. I cannot think of any reason why ANYONE would want to see this except to see how far JCVD came in such a short amount of time from the top of the action pile to the bottom Z list. Take my word for it: unless you're a die-hard Dennis Rodman fan--steer clear from the sexually suggestive Double Team.
1 out of 5 stars
© Jason Haskins, 2011
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