By Jason Haskins
I remember really digging the first Piranha movie directed by Joe Dante, released in 1978, and owned by my older brother. Aside from Jaws, of course, this really rowed my boat because it mixed mayhem with water and the next best thing since sharks--piranha (the fresh water killer fish)!
In 2010 cinema goers went to see the third incarnation since 1981's second (directed by a young upcoming James Cameron) and not only was this going to homage the classic exploitation "monster" movies of the seventies and more-so eighties, it was going to be released with the 3D novelty in mind. Let's just say, the home video release is probably not as exciting as it was on the big screen.
An underwater earthquake below this lake in Arizona prompts a mass of archaic man-eating fish to come up from out of the depths and feast on anyone in their territory. This certainly isn't good news for the town that relies on Spring Break for revenue nor for the sheriff's kids, which are caught in the middle on a porn boat helping this Joe Francis character. In this movie, girls will be wild, but the piranha will be wilder.
Ving Rhames co-stars as one of the deputies who try to save stupid oversexed kids from the water, but there's really nothing that's going to stop this horde of prehistoric baddies. There's tons of bloodshed and gruesome sights as they chomp to death the crowds of morons who only planned to get drunk and laid for the weekend. Alexandre Aja's direction is also flat and he doesn't even create any suspense, which was really disappointing. The only enthusiasm he seems to show are for the big breasted women and rap music that take up a lot of time in the picture.
Heads are gonna roll as the gore and death envelope the screen. The special effects as far as gore was concerned were okay. There's a ton of crappy special effects that take up much of the screen time--shockingly bad special effects that are cheaply done. I was cracking up at how bad they looked. Either way, the gore effects are cool half the time when they aren't computer generated. You have some really nostalgic stuff at work like mutilated limbs and all that jazz, which is really cool to watch.
At the same time, this flick is pretty bad. The script is laughable in a weird sort of half bad, half good way. There are funny bits, but more because I'm laughing at how bad the movie is. The plot is stupid, none of the characters are very cool, and you have these peripheral characters that are pretty out there like Christopher Lloyd as this crazy fish expert. Anticipate a forgettable albeit entertaining and vulgar journey back into your childhood memories of the genre. Look forward to tons of exploitative boobs, some cheap laughs, a ridiculous ending, and idiotic dialogue. That's what you're here for, right?
© Jason Haskins, 2011
2 out of 5 stars
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