King of Fighters, for those who don’t know, is a greatest hits of SNK fighting games where fighters from all of the SNK fighting franchises vie for the title of King of Fighters. This isn’t such a bad idea when you see it on paper, but playing the games is nothing more than a mish mash of bad fighting games from the late 90’s, and sadly the movie is worse.... much, much worse.
The film starts out with Mai (Maggie Q) getting out of the shower (wet, and naked no less, I wonder what crowd they’re catering to in this one?), and immediately jumping into a fight via a Bluetooth ear piece that somehow transports her to another place, which we find out later is actually a parallel dimension. Basically these Bluetooth headsets are transporters to the parallel dimension for the purpose of competing in the King of Fighters Tournament. We then find out that 3 ancient items, a sword, a shield, and are the keys to this dimension. Unsurprisingly, someone comes along and steals them and starts killing fighters in an effort to merge the dimensions and unleash the ancient evil known as the Orochi.
This movie is incredibly bad. Worse even than Double Dragon, for those who follow this column, purely because it tries way too hard to be serious and cool. All of the fighting is atrociously choreographed, as it is glaringly obvious that most of the characters in the movie are actors and not martial artists. But I could overlook this were it not for the equally bad story and acting. No one in the movie seems to give a shit about anything that is going on; they all float through like zombies from one terrible scene to the next. The only excitement in the movie (except for the lesbian yoga scene, again who are they marketing this too I wonder?) is the fighting that is punctuated by way way too much slow motion and CGI fireballs in a bastardization of street fighter moves. Even the evil villain Rugel, (Ray Park, aka Darth Maul) is so boring and cartoonish that I found myself wishing for the fight scenes just so he would shut the fuck up.
This movie sucks. I wasted 90 minutes of my life. Don’t make the same mistake.
0 out of 5
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