(Author's Note- Today's my 21st birthday, so I'm gonna keep this column short and snarky as I want to go do stuff)
Phantoms stars two of cinema's greatest actors of all time: Peter O'Toole (Lawrence of Arabia) and Ben Affleck (Reindeer Games, Paycheck, Daredevil, Pearl Harbor) in an adaptation of a Dean Koontz novel. As Koontz is the greatest living writer of our generation, how can this film be anything but a masterpiece?
Koontz, who adapted his novel for the screenplay, knows his cinema. He must, as he's taken liberally from every horror movie of the last century. God knows how many times he's seen The Thing. It must have been a lot, because Phantoms turns into a Thing ripoff, but with Affleck instead of Kurt Russell.
The plot: Two women drive into a town to find it deserted. Soon, bodies begin appearing. After this, police officers Ben Affleck, Liev Schriber, and guy who's about to die come to the girl's rescue. Except not really. They mostly just sit around a lot while sound effects make "creepy" noises. Ben Affleck sees a little kid. Then it turns out that Ben Affleck once killed a kid in the line of duty. Peter O'Toole shows up as a doctor of "The Ancient Enemy". Blah blah blah, boring exposition, etc.
Stealing the film is messr. Affleck. He turns lines like "This town's turned into a fucking fuckhouse" into something more ridiculous than they already are. Whenever the film risks an emotional moment, Affleck saves the day. His wooden delivery saves the film from accidental cheeseball status.
Anyways, this movie sucked, and only part of the time was it the fun kind of suck. If you like things that suck, by a vacuum. If you want more after that, check this turd out.
Critical Score: 1 out of 5 stars
Crapsterpiece Score: 3 out of 5 stars
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